Wala talaga akong gana. I feel so... listless.

I have more work to do than I've ever had, but I've never lacked motivation this much.

Shit.

Someone give my mind Extra Joss, gawd... I can't afford to throw everything away...

Actually, I've been thinking a whole lot more than usual lately. Been quite a bit more depressed, I feel like I'm regressing a bit more than the average person. To the point that I've actually been thinking a lot of *whisperssuicidewhispers* Yeah, yeah, I know it's bad, and I know I have no right to think about it, but fantasizing about death, particularly my own has been taking up more of my time than it should. I can't help it. I've figured out how and where to do it too.

I know that if you're reading this, you're probably scoffing at my exceptionally pathetic brand of typical teenage angst. Go ahead. I'd probably be laughing too, if I were in your place. I must seem so shallow.

Well. That's fine, because I'm a little past the point of caring what anyone thinks. You don't know me anymore. You can't possibly, because even I don't recognize who I am anymore. All I know is that I feel unbelievably lifeless. So lifeless, that I think that I might as well not be living.

So you see, it's not that I want to escape from school work or stress. It's not that I'm perpetually sawi. It's not that my family life is a little less than satisfactory. It's a little more than all that.

Right now, it's just a little difficult for me to see all there is to live for. I remember, at Carla's party I moaned, "Please Lord, kunin mo na ako!" and Pie replied, "Christa, okay lang yan - there are people with bigger problems." I said, "I know that - so can't I just not be, so that He can focus on everyone else's problems?"

I've just been sad lately. And I don't think it's been that noticeable, since it's not like I'm talking less or anything. If anything, I've been smiling more and acting perkier than normal. It's not that I'm pretending - those are real smiles, and real attempts to be cheerful. It's just that when I'm alone, reality bites and it bites hard.

I'm nothing but an insignificant little speck, really. I look up at the night sky and I remember how tiny I really am, how I'm just another face in a sea of everybodies. I'm nothing important. I'm not singular or immense or any of those wonderfully simple words that are just larger than they really are. I'm not special. I'm just me, and the world doesn't really care.

Sometimes I feel like my world doesn't even care.

Maybe that's why lately I've been getting closer to Ach and Carla. Because I know that they're the ones who know what's going on with me, the little games I've been playing. Because they're the closest ones to seeing into my head and actually thinking about and telling me what they see. They make me feel like they're happy that I'm around, even though they know how horrible I can be.

While I love them to pieces for it, it's not enough for me right now.

I want to feel loved.

I want to feel like someone actually cares about everything that's going on with me in my head. I want someone to be concerned that I feel like I'm failing Physics, and help me get through the stress, instead of brushing it aside with "Tsss - You? Failing Physics? Yeah right, I'm doing worse. You'll be fine." I want someone to comfort me, because I feel like my best friend is slipping through my fingers. I want someone to see that I haven't done most of the work I have to do for the Yearbook, and tell me to get off my ass and start working.

I need to feel like I can't just be ignored and brushed aside, so I won't ignore or brush aside my life and everything I have to work on in it. I need to know that someone else cares, or else I won't.

I need someone to infuse me with passion.

I need to be brought back to life. As I see it, I'm wasting my life away in the present. Might as well give it up before I do something stupid.